Wow. I haven't written in awhile. Feels good to just sit back in bed and relax. So, I just finished watching "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" on TV... and um, it reminded me of the breakup. Yuckkkkk. Gross. A bunch of other words. Everytime I think back to last July and well, the whole general idea of Daniel, it kind of sickens me. Harsh. I know. But I can't help but think that. I feel like that experience has permanently scarred me. It really has affected me in more ways than I ever imagined. Sometimes I just wish I could give him a good punch in the face and move on with my life. Lol. That' so bad. But meh. I don't know what's gotten into me. I'm just really annoyed with myself. I've noticed how I bring up Daniel ALOT. Especially around people who know him. Gadgjdagakldjgalkdjgklagdaga. I really don't have any feelings for him. Except, maybe resentment? At least that's what it seems like. I just want it to stop. I don't want to think about him. I don't want the sight of seeing Jamie freaking Suh write on his wall with cutesy comments to bother me. I really don't even like him! So I don't know what it is! GAH.
You know how people say, until you let yourself be vulnerable you can't really feel anything? Well, truth be told, I haven't let myself be vulnerable to anybody this past year. Hence, the lack of my enthusiasm for relationships (not referring to just girl-guy relationships- all of 'em really). It's sad. My tolerance for people has been/is low these days. I can't seem to sincerely empathize anymore. For some reason, I just can't bear the act of consciously searchingthe past for those crappy (so so crappy) times with him. It's like I've slowly become the person I never wanted to be/turn back to. Bitter, somwhat cynical Christina. Sigh.
I'm just ranting at this point. Whatever comes out of these fingers is what's going to be on this post tonight. Dear Lordy, I can't believe it's become this difficult to even be honest with myself. I guess I've been avoiding the issue for awhile. I guess I was secretly hoping that time would fade it out?
Erg. No matter how put the things I want to say. It sounds bad. Because well, it is in every way. I think it honestly really bothers me that Daniel Yin, the boy who put me through so much misery, is blissfully living his life, while I, Christina loser Cho, am still thinking of him in some form or manner time to time, wondering if he'll ever realize what he put me through. This selfish mindeset of mine is killing me. I just want to be free of this grudge. I know it's only hurting me. Afagjklfjgklfjgklajglfkgag.
It's summer. College is coming. It's funny how when I was little I told myself that college was when I would start dating. Man am I scared. Day by day I get closer to becoming an adult- an adult with a future that includes a husband and probably several kids. At least that's what I hope it'll include. I wonder though. Am I a person capable/deserving/good enough of/for being loved? I don't think I have low self-esteem or anything. I'm pretty confident about myself in most areas. But this is a question I truthfully wonder. Could someone really love me (in all my imperfections and vices) for the rest of his life?
I wish that I wasn't so afraid from my time with Daniel. I hope that when the time comes and I meet that special person I'll be able to give him my full trust and love. That's what I would really like. To love and be loved in return. Hahahahaha. Golly I really AM cheezy. Sigh. So much on my mind. I'm so exhausted (literally and figuratively) too from all this running. I just want to go back to who I was before met him. I wonder if when that person comes along it'll feel fresh and new like the first time. I'm just spitting out random thoughts.
Oh yeah. So today I went back to visit the Whirlwind kids. It really made me smile when the kids remembered me. That part of today was a happy blast back into the past. It reminded me of how much joy and peace I felt when I was close to God and doing His works. I keep telling myself if I focus on Him it'll be alright- but I've strayed a lot and I'm having trouble staying on track.
I feel lonely during these late hours at night. Most times I don't mind because I wear myself out till I just pass out. And well, I know it's God's way of calling me back to him, but for some reason I can't seem to stop seeking that close human companionship. You know what I'm talking about right? That one on one kind of bond with the significant other. Sandra's been closey closey with KK lately. I'm happy for her and everything. She really deserves someone good like him. But I just feel hjfkshljslfkhjsl when I'm third wheeling because it makes me think back to HIM. I mean, since he was my only real long-lasting relationship with a dude. And well yea, it always put me on a negative spiral downwards.
Oh my. I feel sorry for the next guy I fall for. I got serious issues to deal with. I just push people away and blame them for mistakes that someone else made. This self pity thing is annoying me right now too. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.I hate this debbie downeress!
This will probably sound like a lie, but aside from my large insecurities -_____-" I honestly do still have a lot of hope. Hope is what I'll probably always have. If I lose that I'm screwed. I don't know. Despite everything I've said and my fear that the past will be repeated, I still think there's still believe that someone out there will understand what I have to say and will give me a chance. He's gonna be someone pretty spectacular and I'll love him what all my heart :) Well, after God. Mmm. Where are you Future Hubby? Let's start this journey together soon!
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