Summer 2011 & College Bound

Wow. I haven't written in awhile. Feels good to just sit back in bed and relax. So, I just finished watching "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" on TV... and um, it reminded me of the breakup. Yuckkkkk. Gross. A bunch of other words. Everytime I think back to last July and well, the whole general idea of Daniel, it kind of sickens me. Harsh. I know. But I can't help but think that. I feel like that experience has permanently scarred me. It really has affected me in more ways than I ever imagined. Sometimes I just wish I could give him a good punch in the face and move on with my life. Lol. That' so bad. But meh. I don't know what's gotten into me. I'm just really annoyed with myself. I've noticed how I bring up Daniel ALOT. Especially around people who know him. Gadgjdagakldjgalkdjgklagdaga. I really don't have any feelings for him. Except, maybe resentment? At least that's what it seems like. I just want it to stop. I don't want to think about him. I don't want the sight of seeing Jamie freaking Suh write on his wall with cutesy comments to bother me. I really don't even like him! So I don't know what it is! GAH.

You know how people say, until you let yourself be vulnerable you can't really feel anything? Well, truth be told, I haven't let myself be vulnerable to anybody this past year. Hence, the lack of my enthusiasm for relationships (not referring to just girl-guy relationships- all of 'em really). It's sad. My tolerance for people has been/is low these days. I can't seem to sincerely empathize anymore. For some reason, I just can't bear the act of consciously searchingthe past for those crappy (so so crappy) times with him. It's like I've slowly become the person I never wanted to be/turn back to. Bitter, somwhat cynical Christina. Sigh.

I'm just ranting at this point. Whatever comes out of these fingers is what's going to be on this post tonight. Dear Lordy, I can't believe it's become this difficult to even be honest with myself. I guess I've been avoiding the issue for awhile. I guess I was secretly hoping that time would fade it out?

Erg. No matter how put the things I want to say. It sounds bad. Because well, it is in every way. I think it honestly really bothers me that Daniel Yin, the boy who put me through so much misery, is blissfully living his life, while I, Christina loser Cho, am still thinking of him in some form or manner time to time, wondering if he'll ever realize what he put me through. This selfish mindeset of mine is killing me. I just want to be free of this grudge. I know it's only hurting me. Afagjklfjgklfjgklajglfkgag.

It's summer. College is coming. It's funny how when I was little I told myself that college was when I would start dating. Man am I scared. Day by day I get closer to becoming an adult- an adult with a future that includes a husband and probably several kids. At least that's what I hope it'll include. I wonder though. Am I a person capable/deserving/good enough of/for being loved? I don't think I have low self-esteem or anything. I'm pretty confident about myself in most areas. But this is a question I truthfully wonder. Could someone really love me (in all my imperfections and vices) for the rest of his life?

I wish that I wasn't so afraid from my time with Daniel. I hope that when the time comes and I meet that special person I'll be able to give him my full trust and love. That's what I would really like. To love and be loved in return. Hahahahaha. Golly I really AM cheezy. Sigh. So much on my mind. I'm so exhausted (literally and figuratively) too from all this running. I just want to go back to who I was before met him. I wonder if when that person comes along it'll feel fresh and new like the first time. I'm just spitting out random thoughts.

Oh yeah. So today I went back to visit the Whirlwind kids. It really made me smile when the kids remembered me. That part of today was a happy blast back into the past. It reminded me of how much joy and peace I felt when I was close to God and doing His works. I keep telling myself if I focus on Him it'll be alright- but I've strayed a lot and I'm having trouble staying on track.

I feel lonely during these late hours at night. Most times I don't mind because I wear myself out till I just pass out. And well, I know it's God's way of calling me back to him, but for some reason I can't seem to stop seeking that close human companionship. You know what I'm talking about right? That one on one kind of bond with the significant other. Sandra's been closey closey with KK lately. I'm happy for her and everything. She really deserves someone good like him. But I just feel hjfkshljslfkhjsl when I'm third wheeling because it makes me think back to HIM. I mean, since he was my only real long-lasting relationship with a dude. And well yea, it always put me on a negative spiral downwards.

Oh my. I feel sorry for the next guy I fall for. I got serious issues to deal with. I just push people away and blame them for mistakes that someone else made. This self pity thing is annoying me right now too. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.I hate this debbie downeress!

This will probably sound like a lie, but aside from my large insecurities -_____-" I honestly do still have a lot of hope. Hope is what I'll probably always have. If I lose that I'm screwed. I don't know. Despite everything I've said and my fear that the past will be repeated, I still think there's still believe that someone out there will understand what I have to say and will give me a chance. He's gonna be someone pretty spectacular and I'll love him what all my heart :) Well, after God. Mmm. Where are you Future Hubby? Let's start this journey together soon!

"I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff."
— Jon Katz


Thank you Sandra.

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

"Because this is what happens when you try to run from the past. It just doesn’t catch up, it overtakes … blotting out the future."
— Sarah Dessen (Just Listen)

"So you're always honest," I said.
"Aren't you?"
"No," I told him. "I'm not."
"Well, that's good to know, I guess."
"I'm not saying I'm a liar," I told him. He raised his eyebrows. "That's not how I meant it, anyways."
"How'd you mean it, then?"
"I just...I don't always say what I feel."
"Why not?"
"Because the truth sometimes hurts," I said.
"Yeah," he said. "So do lies, though."
— Sarah Dessen (Just Listen)

"And now I’m looking at you,” he said, “and you’re asking me if I still want you, as if I could stop loving you. As if I would want to give up the thing that makes me stronger than anything else ever has. I never dared give much of myself to anyone before – bits of myself to the Lightwoods, to Isabelle and Alec, but it took years to do it – but, Clary, since the first time I saw you, I have belonged to you completely. I still do. If you want me."
— Cassandra Clare (City of Glass)

Winter Retreat

Today is January 8... 2011!
Oh dear, does time fly by or what? I can't believe it's already the EIGTH day of this new year. I have to say though, this year is starting off with a BANG! I got back from winter retreat today... and it was AWESOME. Retreats always are. It was so great being surrounded by everyone I love. God. My friends... who are basically my family :)

So, this year's message was on the "Joy in Suffering." To be honest, I don't feel like I connected with the message as whole-heartedly as I wanted to. But I think that may be because I've strayed away for awhile. However, I did learn a lot of new other things. Particularly, during small group. Now, I know, I need to work on my relationship with God more. Start doing QTs, reading the Bible more. I really don't want to get distracted. I'm gonna try my best to make an intimiate relationship with God. Oh, and as big big pluses. I think I finally came to closure with.. you-know-who... and my questions dealing with God. In reference to the latter, Roger said something that really hit me. Just like being thirsty leads to the point that there is water. The idea that we are searching for purpose may lead to the point that there is one. (I want to tell Audry that.)

Anyways. Hmm what else? Well, I didn't meet as many new people this year. Probably cause we had to spend so much time with our small groups. But, I met a lot of the Freshman girls~ like Joy and Steffie. I want to try to spend more time with them. I always wanted like that older sister figure growing up... and I guess that's what I can be for them. Hm, I also met Patricia this year. She's a beautiful girl. And I met Joey and Sammy. OHMYGOSH. That reminds me. I saw the stars again :)

The stars. New paragraph. I really don't know what it is about them... but seeing them just made me so happy. I guess it reminded me of last year. But I don't know. Looking up, and seeing the vastness of the universe, just inspired me? It was just awe-striking too to see those glimpses of light shining through the dark. That night was pretty fun. It was me, Valerie, Rebecca, Joey and Sammy huddled together in a circle talking about the most random stuff. HAHA. Like seriously, I loved that conversation. Valerie is so funny and Sammy is so gullible! Bwahaha.

I just love this. All of this. I love how God's love can bring so many different kinds of people together. And honestly, after I came back, as Jessie said, I felt like I didn't care anymore about those earthly things.

and when i’m scrolling down my tumblr dashboard and absorbing all the pictures
of red heels and fashions and rainbow nail polish and lashes and glorious,
glorious cities and pink hair straighteners and Starbucks cups, of romance
scenes and laced fingers and couples on ferris wheels, of new phones and pretty
mac books, i suddenly realize… that i don’t care anymore.

But still, I'm gonna have my work cut out for me. This is so bad and I really don't know want to say this. But... one confession: I thought somebody was really cute at winter retreat. ARGH. Emenenenene. Blehk. Hopefully, God will keep my eyes focused.

Oh and one more thing again, I really loved my small group this year. I felt like we all became really close!