Summer 2011 & College Bound

Wow. I haven't written in awhile. Feels good to just sit back in bed and relax. So, I just finished watching "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" on TV... and um, it reminded me of the breakup. Yuckkkkk. Gross. A bunch of other words. Everytime I think back to last July and well, the whole general idea of Daniel, it kind of sickens me. Harsh. I know. But I can't help but think that. I feel like that experience has permanently scarred me. It really has affected me in more ways than I ever imagined. Sometimes I just wish I could give him a good punch in the face and move on with my life. Lol. That' so bad. But meh. I don't know what's gotten into me. I'm just really annoyed with myself. I've noticed how I bring up Daniel ALOT. Especially around people who know him. Gadgjdagakldjgalkdjgklagdaga. I really don't have any feelings for him. Except, maybe resentment? At least that's what it seems like. I just want it to stop. I don't want to think about him. I don't want the sight of seeing Jamie freaking Suh write on his wall with cutesy comments to bother me. I really don't even like him! So I don't know what it is! GAH.

You know how people say, until you let yourself be vulnerable you can't really feel anything? Well, truth be told, I haven't let myself be vulnerable to anybody this past year. Hence, the lack of my enthusiasm for relationships (not referring to just girl-guy relationships- all of 'em really). It's sad. My tolerance for people has been/is low these days. I can't seem to sincerely empathize anymore. For some reason, I just can't bear the act of consciously searchingthe past for those crappy (so so crappy) times with him. It's like I've slowly become the person I never wanted to be/turn back to. Bitter, somwhat cynical Christina. Sigh.

I'm just ranting at this point. Whatever comes out of these fingers is what's going to be on this post tonight. Dear Lordy, I can't believe it's become this difficult to even be honest with myself. I guess I've been avoiding the issue for awhile. I guess I was secretly hoping that time would fade it out?

Erg. No matter how put the things I want to say. It sounds bad. Because well, it is in every way. I think it honestly really bothers me that Daniel Yin, the boy who put me through so much misery, is blissfully living his life, while I, Christina loser Cho, am still thinking of him in some form or manner time to time, wondering if he'll ever realize what he put me through. This selfish mindeset of mine is killing me. I just want to be free of this grudge. I know it's only hurting me. Afagjklfjgklfjgklajglfkgag.

It's summer. College is coming. It's funny how when I was little I told myself that college was when I would start dating. Man am I scared. Day by day I get closer to becoming an adult- an adult with a future that includes a husband and probably several kids. At least that's what I hope it'll include. I wonder though. Am I a person capable/deserving/good enough of/for being loved? I don't think I have low self-esteem or anything. I'm pretty confident about myself in most areas. But this is a question I truthfully wonder. Could someone really love me (in all my imperfections and vices) for the rest of his life?

I wish that I wasn't so afraid from my time with Daniel. I hope that when the time comes and I meet that special person I'll be able to give him my full trust and love. That's what I would really like. To love and be loved in return. Hahahahaha. Golly I really AM cheezy. Sigh. So much on my mind. I'm so exhausted (literally and figuratively) too from all this running. I just want to go back to who I was before met him. I wonder if when that person comes along it'll feel fresh and new like the first time. I'm just spitting out random thoughts.

Oh yeah. So today I went back to visit the Whirlwind kids. It really made me smile when the kids remembered me. That part of today was a happy blast back into the past. It reminded me of how much joy and peace I felt when I was close to God and doing His works. I keep telling myself if I focus on Him it'll be alright- but I've strayed a lot and I'm having trouble staying on track.

I feel lonely during these late hours at night. Most times I don't mind because I wear myself out till I just pass out. And well, I know it's God's way of calling me back to him, but for some reason I can't seem to stop seeking that close human companionship. You know what I'm talking about right? That one on one kind of bond with the significant other. Sandra's been closey closey with KK lately. I'm happy for her and everything. She really deserves someone good like him. But I just feel hjfkshljslfkhjsl when I'm third wheeling because it makes me think back to HIM. I mean, since he was my only real long-lasting relationship with a dude. And well yea, it always put me on a negative spiral downwards.

Oh my. I feel sorry for the next guy I fall for. I got serious issues to deal with. I just push people away and blame them for mistakes that someone else made. This self pity thing is annoying me right now too. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.I hate this debbie downeress!

This will probably sound like a lie, but aside from my large insecurities -_____-" I honestly do still have a lot of hope. Hope is what I'll probably always have. If I lose that I'm screwed. I don't know. Despite everything I've said and my fear that the past will be repeated, I still think there's still believe that someone out there will understand what I have to say and will give me a chance. He's gonna be someone pretty spectacular and I'll love him what all my heart :) Well, after God. Mmm. Where are you Future Hubby? Let's start this journey together soon!

"I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff."
— Jon Katz


Thank you Sandra.

I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

"Because this is what happens when you try to run from the past. It just doesn’t catch up, it overtakes … blotting out the future."
— Sarah Dessen (Just Listen)

"So you're always honest," I said.
"Aren't you?"
"No," I told him. "I'm not."
"Well, that's good to know, I guess."
"I'm not saying I'm a liar," I told him. He raised his eyebrows. "That's not how I meant it, anyways."
"How'd you mean it, then?"
"I just...I don't always say what I feel."
"Why not?"
"Because the truth sometimes hurts," I said.
"Yeah," he said. "So do lies, though."
— Sarah Dessen (Just Listen)

"And now I’m looking at you,” he said, “and you’re asking me if I still want you, as if I could stop loving you. As if I would want to give up the thing that makes me stronger than anything else ever has. I never dared give much of myself to anyone before – bits of myself to the Lightwoods, to Isabelle and Alec, but it took years to do it – but, Clary, since the first time I saw you, I have belonged to you completely. I still do. If you want me."
— Cassandra Clare (City of Glass)

Winter Retreat

Today is January 8... 2011!
Oh dear, does time fly by or what? I can't believe it's already the EIGTH day of this new year. I have to say though, this year is starting off with a BANG! I got back from winter retreat today... and it was AWESOME. Retreats always are. It was so great being surrounded by everyone I love. God. My friends... who are basically my family :)

So, this year's message was on the "Joy in Suffering." To be honest, I don't feel like I connected with the message as whole-heartedly as I wanted to. But I think that may be because I've strayed away for awhile. However, I did learn a lot of new other things. Particularly, during small group. Now, I know, I need to work on my relationship with God more. Start doing QTs, reading the Bible more. I really don't want to get distracted. I'm gonna try my best to make an intimiate relationship with God. Oh, and as big big pluses. I think I finally came to closure with.. you-know-who... and my questions dealing with God. In reference to the latter, Roger said something that really hit me. Just like being thirsty leads to the point that there is water. The idea that we are searching for purpose may lead to the point that there is one. (I want to tell Audry that.)

Anyways. Hmm what else? Well, I didn't meet as many new people this year. Probably cause we had to spend so much time with our small groups. But, I met a lot of the Freshman girls~ like Joy and Steffie. I want to try to spend more time with them. I always wanted like that older sister figure growing up... and I guess that's what I can be for them. Hm, I also met Patricia this year. She's a beautiful girl. And I met Joey and Sammy. OHMYGOSH. That reminds me. I saw the stars again :)

The stars. New paragraph. I really don't know what it is about them... but seeing them just made me so happy. I guess it reminded me of last year. But I don't know. Looking up, and seeing the vastness of the universe, just inspired me? It was just awe-striking too to see those glimpses of light shining through the dark. That night was pretty fun. It was me, Valerie, Rebecca, Joey and Sammy huddled together in a circle talking about the most random stuff. HAHA. Like seriously, I loved that conversation. Valerie is so funny and Sammy is so gullible! Bwahaha.

I just love this. All of this. I love how God's love can bring so many different kinds of people together. And honestly, after I came back, as Jessie said, I felt like I didn't care anymore about those earthly things.

and when i’m scrolling down my tumblr dashboard and absorbing all the pictures
of red heels and fashions and rainbow nail polish and lashes and glorious,
glorious cities and pink hair straighteners and Starbucks cups, of romance
scenes and laced fingers and couples on ferris wheels, of new phones and pretty
mac books, i suddenly realize… that i don’t care anymore.

But still, I'm gonna have my work cut out for me. This is so bad and I really don't know want to say this. But... one confession: I thought somebody was really cute at winter retreat. ARGH. Emenenenene. Blehk. Hopefully, God will keep my eyes focused.

Oh and one more thing again, I really loved my small group this year. I felt like we all became really close!

Wedding Songs...

Ohmygoodness I am so weird. I'm listening to wedding songs right now. It makes me want to pick out songs even though I'm not even going to get married anytime soon. Haha. It's funny, when I listen to these songs and their lyrics it gives me so much hope. Maybe the lyrics are exagerated for artistic measures but maybe (just maybe) that's what it's really like... you know, to find the love of your life and everything. I really don't know why I always think about this stuff. I'm perfectly content with the life I have right now... as far as relationships go at least. I have the most amazing friends in the whole wide world. What more could I ask for? Sigh: Maybe it's just me being moody or maybe this is just a normal part of being human? Either way, I don't like it. I don't like feeling like I need someone to complete me. I don't even think love is suppose to be about "needing" someone, I think it's about not really "needing" them but wanting them anyways. Actually, that sounds kind of bad too. I don't know. Love is something I haven't experined yet. I just wish I knew why I sometimes feel lonely even though I have everything I need in front of me.

For fun (and so I can just get this off my mind so I can go back to studying), I'm going to talk about the kind of relationship I want one day. Bwahaha. It may never happen, but a girl can dream right? Hmmm... so the kind of relationship I want. Well, it really wouldn't be all the fancy actually. I wouldn't need the flowers, the presents, the whole shabam. I'd just need moments of honest, sincere caring. I hate that feeling of not knowing whether or not the other person cares. That's how I felt most of the time with Daniel... I don't want to be with someone like that again. If someone is that important to you it shouldn't be that hard to show that you care. And actually it's not even the fact that he didn't show that he cared, it's the fact that he said that he did and did exactly everything to make it seem like he didn't. Anyways, whatever, that's the past.

Things I'd like to do someday with that special someone (Hehehe):

• Study at the library or stay up late studying till we both pass out together! I want to like accidently fall asleep on his shoulder or something... (LOL) Ohmygosh this is so nerdy... but I'd really like to meet someone who shares some of my academic interests.
• Do volunteer work together! Whether it's by studying abroad together or just helping out at a soup kitchen or something... Again, sorta nerdy, but I'd like to meet a guy I could do these things with. It shows that he cares not only about me but about others.
• Read the Bible. I feel like I've grown so far apart from God these days... I hope my future boyfriend/husband is a strong Christian so he can help me. It'd also be good because then we could base our relationship on God and I would know he would respect my decision for abstinence and everything.
• Take long walks. I want someone I can have quiet moments with... someone who knows how to appreciate just being together.
• Get couple rings. I just always thought this was really cute.
• Learn guitar from him. I would love love love a guy who could teach me some sort of instrument. It's just so I don't know attractive. Haha.
• Snow fight.
• Take long car drives.

Wow, I thought I'd have a long list... but I can't really think of that much right now. Honestly, my ideal guy is a guy who I find handsome and is honest, sincere, funny, kind of shy at times, understanding, caring, and patient. I just want someone who I can really trust and who'll accept me for me.

These Little Wonders

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists and turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours
These small hours
Still remain

Dear Duke, Northwestern, John Hopkin, Emory, UWash, Brown, and other colleges I'm about to apply to,

Please accept me! There is so much I could learn from you. If you give me the chance, I promise that you won't be disappointed. I promise that I will use the knowledge I gain from you to help others. I promise that I will do the best I can to make this world a better place. Oh dear colleges, if there's any place to start changing the world, it's with me. Give me the opportunity to reach my full potential so that I may help others reach theirs as well.

To be honest Brown, I didn't plan on applying to you. I didn't want to deal with the disappointment of reading a rejection. But today, I decided I will indeed apply to you. Today, I realized I have people who believe in me- people who somehow see potential in me to make a difference. Thanks to Cody I will be waiting for results from you. Even if you don't accept me, it's okay. I won't stop now. I'll keep pursuing my goals. I'm going to make them proud :)!

"He asked me: do you think there will come a time that you will get tired of me?
And I said no, because I don't assume that I will ever know you entirely. I will not get tired of you because I have so much to know about you, and this lifetime alone is not enough."

"'I feel too much. That's what's going on.' 'Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?' 'My insides don't match up with my outsides.' 'Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?' 'I don't know. I'm only me.' 'Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.' 'But it's worse for me.' 'I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him.' 'Probably. But it really is worse for me.'"
-Jonathan Safran Foer

hmmmm, makes me think...

“It is the difficult and the unexpected, and maybe even the tragic, that opens us up and frees us to see things in new ways. Many of the most significant moments in our lives come not because it all went right but because it all fell apart. Suffering does that. It hurts, but it also creates.” -Rob Bell

"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."
-Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert